I wanted to take pictures, but didn’t. These memories were not mine to keep forever captured on a Polaroid. He was gone and the absence was more real than it had been in months. Looking at all of them with theirs made me mad. They still had what I lost.
Mine---cold, dark and damp. Only to be remembered now, through pictures, cards, and plastic flowers from Wal-Mart.
Theirs—warm, sunny, blissful. Full of life and chances to start over, make amends, and “be.”
I reached out but to no avail.
None can replace what was lost.
I looked into their eyes for a connection beyond the current.
I longed for the strong hug
I hoped for the comforting word
I hope someone would check on me
I wanted to be preferred because I was his
I wished to hear him call my name
I wished to see him hold a child that I would bear, laugh with the one I would marry and fawn over a grown-up version me.
Just a Moment
58 Years 5 Months 22 Days
11 minutes between missed calls
4:11am was the time
1 moment that changed my life
1 scream that didn’t cover it all
1 long hot shower that was really short
1 black sweater
1 pair of jeans
1 pair of white socks
1 pair of shell-toe Addidas
1 run to the car
1 slow drive to the house
1 sprint down the driveway
4 steps to the door
3 medics in the living room
1 dead father on the floor
2 firefighters in the kitchen
1 mother in the chair
1 brother standing at her side
1 call to the funeral home
1 white sheet
1 uncle sitting down
2 morticians at the door
1 cousin moving furniture
1 sister came home
1 heartache that spread like a spider’s web
1 call to Chan
1 call to Neet
1 call to John
1 call to Mkeka
1 call to Khalil
2 many flowers and not enough genuine words