Mourning...October 2005

​10/05 day unknown
When he died the glue that held me together began to loosen. Its like instead of falling to pieces 3 months later, I’m falling to pieces now—some 10 months later. I’m sad but not in the can’t get out of bed crying all day way. My sadness goes much deeper. It reminds me of broken glass. You see the glass broken all over the floor and you immediately sweep up the big pieces, but it’s the little pieces that settle into the cracks and crevices only to remind you months later that the glass was ever broken. My grief feels like those little pieces that settle in and remind you months later that yes—something in fact did break. But in this case, I broke and it feels as if none sees it. Most days I don’t even acknowledge it.
I can’t get the memory of his hands out of my mind. I can’t stop thinking about how I couldn’t fix what was wrong and so he suffered more than he had too. I just remember all the things that I couldn’t fix or make better for him. Maybe that’s why now—10 months later in my own way I’m a mess. I waste endless amounts of time, I don’t finish projects till the last minute, and I feel out of sync with most things that I do. I have major anxiety which results in me sweating profusely. I’m a mess.

People don’t understand the loss. They don’t understand the melancholy that spreads like a spider’s web. They don’t understand the need to keep that person alive in some way. I’m still trying to find the appropriate way for me to carry him with me daily. I’m a functioning individual but just enough so that things get done—the bare minimum. I feel strange saying I’m sad today or speaking about him and using him as the reason for my issues. He is in part the reason, but not the only reason. Well the catalyst for this “phase”
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Its Ramadan and Alhumdulilah it’s a beautiful thing to witness Allah’s creation praising him. I’m weak Allah and not sure of myself or the things that I’m doing. Not sure of anything, but I fake it everyday. I have anxiety about things that are out of my control. I feel like I failed him and I continually fail you. So tonight I sit at my pc and cry and let it out and pray for a change in myself. An authentic change.